I know what I mean, not you

It's incredible to me that there are so many people who feel totally free to decide for other people what it is they mean, by what they say. This happens to me all the time. While I'm trying to describe or discuss my unusual (possibly unique) medical circumstances with people, first they'll translate what I'm saying into something much milder and much more familiar and everyday. Well, that certainly doesn't help them to understand, since it's not an everyday, mild sort of condition. They'll announce, yes, I understand perfectly, it's such-and-such, something very different from what I have... and expect me to feel reassured. It's a terrible thing to hear, when so much depends on other people coming to comprehend what's happening to you.

Next, I have to try to explain better, letting them know how they've misinterpreted, as respectfully and diplomatically as I can. Then they dig their heels in, sometimes politely, sometimes not. They're absolutely certain that they understood me correctly the first time. They know for a fact that I meant what they thought I meant. Sometimes they insist I must have misinterpreted them, but I keep looking for any ways I might have misunderstood them, and try to discuss it, while they don't with me.

Communication is impossible, if one party feels free to decide what the other party means, and won't accept any clarifications. That's a debate that's over before it starts, and it's all going on inside one person's head. It's a closed system and therefore it can't ever change.

People get this way about politics more and more these days, especially the Right, but no one's immune. The conservative Right has a whole world-view set up in which the Left plays a certain malevolent role, believes certain things it does not believe, and is trying to impose Soviet-style Marxism on us all. Someone on the Left can say, no, I don't think that, I don't want that, but the Rightist feels free to say no, you believe what I said you believe, basically.

When someone tells me: "You misunderstood me", I prick up my ears and pay attention to that. That's important. It's a red alert saying I'd better re-assess fast, because I may have missed something or gotten something wrong. I hate making mistakes or appearing stupid, so that's one motivation, but I also can't stand the thought of living according to fantasies, or mistaken information. I'd feel like a fool.

Others have found a different solution for that. They just put up a wall, a defensive line that protects them from ever having to find out that they were wrong about anything. They just say no. Their ideas are just the truth, and anyone denying that is evil therefore what he says must not be listened to. They have the exact same insecurity that I do, not wanting to be made a fool of, but we deal with it in exactly opposite ways.

This goes way beyond politics though. When I talk about my medical situation, the people I'm talking about are often very nice people. I'm not talking about some malevolent trait, which is only true of "evil" people. In a lot of cases, it's an unconscious habit. People are convinced they're listening, without realizing that listening can be hard, and can involve second-guessing your instincts and first impressions. A lot of people even think that simply sitting silently and letting the other person talk is "listening".